HOW Skill #1- Non-Judgmentally
To be non-judgmental while using this skill simply means to refrain from evaluating- take a moment to look at the facts and describe consequences instead. This skill puts us in a mindset to be objective with ourselves and others- an uncommon approach. However, taking this approach can help us calm emotions and learn so much more about a moment.
Implementing this skill is not easy, although when done, it can allow us to look at the facts rather than judging something wrong or bad, which in turn helps de-amplify our emotions. An example of how we may commonly amplify our emotions is when we say things like, “I failed to do this or that correctly, now everyone is going to think
I am a failure.” This sort of inner dialogue can undoubtedly amp up our emotions with harsh judgments- leading to sulking and more judgment. Alternatively, we could say something like, “I did not fulfill a commitment. That was not what I planned, and I feel disappointed. What can I do next time to ensure my schedule fits the activity and allows me to fulfill my commitments?” The second approach allows us to gather more insight and gives us more information to recover and plan for better outcomes in the future. Being non-judgmental will enable us not only to de-amplify emotion. It also helps us look at the intricate components of a situation.
Judgments are an ineffective way of communicating because they do not tell us much about our outcomes and how to change them in the future. Judgments dismiss an opportunity to communicate effectively and find some resolve. When we say things like, “now everyone is going to think I am a failure,” we have not accurately identified the emotion we are experiencing and the message that emotion is sending us. When we state the fact- that we did not fulfill a commitment, we were able to identify then how that makes us feel disappointed. Now we can find a solution to the experience. Staying non-judgmental allows us to be curious. We can detect more: Our schedule was too full. We did not plan enough time for each activity.
Once we look at the facts of why we did not fulfill a commitment, we can take a constructive approach rather than deconstructive. We tend to have more appreciation for all the things that we are doing when we look at the intricacy of them as well. Having a curious approach is powerful!
As we look without evaluating, we gain a powerful perspective. We may see behaviors, emotions, and thoughts that are key to what is happening. Non-judgmentally elicits an opportunity to learn without getting stuck in opinion or amplifying emotion. Therefore your learning can be lessons that lead to change.
With all this being said, do not judge your judging the fact of the matter is we must accept that we’re going to judge sometimes. It is rare to have been raised in an environment where you were taught to live without judging and evaluating. Judging is so common that we do not see it embedded in our own beliefs and our lives: “I should have been able to make it to the event- what is wrong with me?” We grow up comparing ourselves to others or too unrealistic standards, “I should always do everything when, where, and how I intend to. I need to do everything perfectly to plan.” Sometimes we guess at others’ judgments: “why did they ask me to lead the event?”
When we begin ‘shoulding’ all over ourselves, this is a reliable identifier that we are judging. “I should have known not to miss it. They should have not chosen me. No, this should not have happened.” You can work on noticing shoulds- these are judgments that increase non-acceptance.
Remember the power in the second example earlier in this skill where we reframed our thinking around an unfulfilled commitment we were able to catch, challenge, and change our thought process- taking a non-judgmental approach. Notice the difference!
This skill requires us to be courageous and willful to accept what is- rather than focusing on what it “should have been.” It may take time to learn this skill, and it will be tough to implement in the beginning, although its value will be apparent in time. We can do it!
A summary of Non-Judgmentally:
* See, but don’t evaluate. State the facts- who, when, what…
* Focus on the what, not the good or bad or beautiful or terrible; the should or should not, or event the “why?”
* Detach your opinion from the facts.
* Accept each moment without finding fault- it is what it is.
* Acknowledge the helpful or wholesome, and do not judge it.
* Acknowledge the harmful, the unwholesome, and do not judge it.
* If something can be judged “good,” then it can be “bad”- seek objective ways to describe.
* Remain curious, keep your eyes open, and do not rush to interpret.
* We can be curious about ourselves too!
* This skill helps you de-amplify emotions.
* This skill looks at the intricacy of the situation.
HOW Skill #2: One-Mindfully
One-mindfully is doing only one thing at any moment. That is the skill!
This skill is another way to be present. To be aware and observe. Implementing this skill into our life can enrich our experiences and reduce our suffering. Enjoying time with a friend one-mindfully allows us to observe the feelings/sensations it gives us and the impacts emotionally, mentally, and physically. Even worrying one-mindfully creates borders around our worries, so they do not all happen at once and consume our energy and time.
We do not get much support for this in a culture of multi-tasking. Research shows that if we try to do three things at once, one’s quality may suffer. Our attention spans have limited capacity.
If we surpass those limitations, we are less to see our efforts in any one thing. Practicing the skill one-mindfully helps us to learn the technique of controlling our attention. It takes things one step at a time and makes execution more manageable. This allows us to see the beauty in being present moment-to-moment.
HOW Skill #3: Effectively
Using the skill Effectively is about focusing on what works. This skill is all about asking ourselves, “What is my objective? And what is going to be the most effective approach?” When posed in any particular moment, the power in these questions shifts our focus away from things that do not serve us, such as right or wrong, should or shouldn’t, good or bad, which is where we often get stuck.
Rather than getting stuck in a thought process that does serve us, Effectively asks more useful questions.
This skill can empower us to use our wise mind to address a situation and make change happen appropriately, and if the situation can’t be changed, it leads us to acceptance. Once we have accepted circumstances, we can do our best moving forward.
Source: KP IOP
